CANBERRA — In a rare display of bipartisan unity, both Labor and the Coalition have announced bold new plans to drive house prices even higher — all in the name of “affordability.”
Speaking at a joint press conference outside Parliament House, the Prime Minister and Opposition Leader stood side-by-side, proudly unveiling their new housing policies under a shared slogan: “The Higher the Price, the Harder You Try — That’s the Australian Dream.”
“Let’s be clear,” said the Prime Minister. “If we keep pushing house prices up, young Australians will be forced to work harder, save more, and appreciate the home they’ll never afford. It’s character-building.”
The Opposition Leader nodded in agreement.
“Exactly. We don’t want Australians getting lazy with all this ‘reasonable rent’ and ‘accessible housing’ nonsense. The best things in life are supposed to be out of reach — like owning property or a dentist appointment.”
Economists across the country expressed mild confusion, though most agreed that pretending to fix housing while actively making it worse is “on-brand” for Australian politics.
Dr. Susan Ledger from the University of Sydney stated,
“It’s a classic play: promise help for first home buyers, drive up demand with grants, choke supply with red tape, and then act shocked when the median house price hits the GDP of a small country.”
Meanwhile, first home buyers welcomed the announcement with all the enthusiasm of a vegan at a Bunnings sausage sizzle.
“I’m just stoked,” said 27-year-old software developer Jason Chen. “Can’t wait to qualify for a $10k government grant that instantly raises the house price by $50k. That’s just savvy economics, mate.”
In response to growing outrage, the government assured voters that they are “actively exploring the feasibility of forming a taskforce to investigate the formation of a committee to draft a whitepaper on affordability by 2032.”
As for the dream of homeownership? Officials recommend young Australians adjust their expectations and consider “co-owning a sharehouse with twelve other families and a mildly aggressive possum.”
More on this story as prices climb.